'I believe that I will be working on myself for th rest of my life, but this is not a bad thing. I have grown tremendouly as a person'
My first experience of counselling wasn't that great. Around 20 years ago, I had recently gone back to my job as a financial controller after having my first child. I was in my office, working on a spreadsheet when the numbers started jumping out at me. I ran into the main office, shouting that the numbers were attacking me. I was sent home and told to see my GP.
I begged my GP to just put 'stress' on my medical records, in case any hint of mental health problems should affect my career. I didn't think to tell him about the neglect and mental, physical and sexual abuse I'd experienced for the first 15 years of my life. Back then, I didn't know it was relevant and I still felt deep shame about my childhood.
My mum had left the family home when I was seven, due to domestic violence. I took responsibility for looking after my siblings, and my dad remarried a neighbour. That was when the physical and mental abuse started. We turned up to school unwashed and hungry, so police and social services were in our lives.
At age nine, I was sexually assualted by someone outside the family. When I was 11, my mum regained custody of us, after my dad was convicted of sexual offences and sent to prison. But she had remarried into another domestically violent relationship. At age 15, I was sexually assaulted by someone inside the family. I now know there is generational abuse within my family on both sides, a cycle that I am determined to break.
I left school and home just before my 16th birthday, went to college, then got a full-time job and studied in the evenings and weekends to qualify as an accountant. Work was my survival response and still is. I told myself to just work, work, work, to build a better life for myself where I would be safe. By 28, I was married with a child and a nice home but, when I should have felt safe, that's when it all unravelled. My brain couldn't reconcile the love I felt for my child and the abuse I had suffered within my family. On one occasion, when I was changing my son's nappy, I suddenly started hurrying. I became scared that people would think I was spending too much time on the task and was 'abusing' him.
At work, I had always kept my head down and got on with my job. I didn't socialise and I certainly did not talk about my shameful, dysfunctional childhood. I did this for 15 years and was successful, or so I thought. With hindsight, the signs of mental and physical distress were always there, showing up in many ways - as isolation, underlying anger, hypervigilance, high anxiety, bulimia, chronic constipation and osteoarthritis.
My GP referred me for six counselling sessions with a general therapist, to deal with my 'stress'. The counselling sessions were all the same. I sat in a chair, the counsellor said very little, I cried my eyes out and left. I hated feeling vulnerable and out of control during those six weeks and felt angry and confused. I thought I could do a better job myself and started to research the impact on mental health of trauma.
Around this time, I took a job as a financial controller at Priory Hospital Hayes Grove, an inpatient mental health facility in Bromley. As I spent time around psychiatrists, counsellors and inpatients, I became aware of the role past abuse often plays in addictions and eating disorders. I was using exercise and holistic self-care strategies to help manage my emotions, and I qualified as a Pilates instructor and health and wellness coach. In 2012 I left my job at the hospital to focus on my health and wellness business. I also started writing a book about my life and the strategies I had used to manage the impact of my childhood.
I thought I was in a good place and writing the book would be cathartic, but it destabilised me and I began to struggle. I knew I needed support, but this time I made sure it was trauma-informed. I found a suitable practitioner who was also a survivor. Because of this, we built a trusting relationship in a short space of time and were able to explore very challenging events in a way that allowed me to feel empowered and grow from the therapy.
That lasted six months. Then, after a break, I started weekly sessions with another trauma-informed therapist who, for the past four years, has continued to help me overcome my sense of shame and anger and develop my self-confidence to get involved with the Independent Inquiry into Child Sexual Abuse, by joining the victims and Survivors Consultative Panel (VSCP). Part of the inquiry is the Truth Project, a platform for survivors of abuse to share their experiences without judgment. We are in control of what we share and can have a say about what needs to change in the systems that have failed us. It's not therapy, but I have worked with other members of the VSCP to ensure it is trauma-informed. This includes ensuring that facilitators are trauma-informed and that survivors who share their accounts feel comfortable and safe when they do so.
The VSCP is consulted on all areas of the Inquiry's work. We bring expertise from our lived and professional experiences, both as survivors and as providers of services, which many of us are involved with on a daily basis. Working in this sector, hearing survivors' experiences and fighting for our rights can be exhausting, triggering and traumatic. I need to be able to offload the impact both from a personal perspective and to prevent secondary trauma. Having trauma-informed therapy enables me to do this work and has also helped me cope with four years of involvement with the criminal justice system, as I fight to bring my family abusers to justice.
My brain can become overhwhelmed because of the chronic toxic stress I have been under since I was a child. I try to remain grounded in the present but my brain often flips between the past, present and future. If I see, hear or read something, I can become triggered. It is crucial to have someone who can help me manage my emotions and untangle some of the situations I find myself in. I can express my feelings and the therapist will explore them with me. I can then process them. I believe that I will be working on myself for the rest of my life, but this is not a bad thing, I have grown tremendously as a person and I am extremely proud of who I am today and what I have achieved.
Chris Tuck is a member of the Victims and Survivors Consultative Panel for the Independent Inquiry into Child Sexual Abuse. She advised on the development of the Truth Project. She also founded Survivors of Abuse, a charity that aims to empower adult survivors to transform their lives holistically through mindset, nutrition, fitness and stress management. Chris is also the author of Breaking the Cycle, a handbook about overcoming abuse. www.survivorsofabuse.org.uk. Survivors can also find out more about the Truth Project by visiting www.truthproject.org.uk.
Article first published in Therapy Today: May 2020; Volume 31; Issue 4
'I sat in the waiting room, fidgeting, trying not to succumb to the urge to just leave'
Three years ago, I would have laughed at the idea of seeing a therapist, psychologist, counsellor, whatever. What do they know about me? What do they know about what I am going through? What do they know about the pressures I'm feeling in my life?
They're nothing like me. They're not an accountant. They're not a company director. They don't work in a corporate environment. They don't have to deal with private equity models or complex legal documents. They're not a man! (Yes, I thought like this at the time.)
How are they going to be able to help me when they know nothing? I write this now after this exact same conversation with a close friend this morning. Only this time, I was the one advocating that they should speak to someone.
So, did it change my life? I don't know. Did it change my perspective? Without a shadow of a doubt. Three years ago, I was struggling, I didn't want to admit it at the time, but I was. It was a midlife, mid-career, middling existence that I wasn't happy with but wouldn't admit. My marriage - failing without me realising. My career - floundering without me caring. My friendships - falling apart without me being present.
I didn't know what to do and I was scared. I needed to talk to someone but I didn't know where to turn. Talking to people had always helped me to understand, rationalise and accept things previously. Everyone around me was too close, too distant or too distracted. There was seemingly nowhere to turn.
So, I turned to the internet, I searched online in a counselling directory to find someone, anyone, with whom I could talk. I specifically searched for someone who didn't have CBT listed on their profile. I had some CBT previously and it just frustrated the hell out of me. If I could change my response to a stimulus, I would have already done it or at least tried!
I came across someone, a complete stranger. I sent them an email asking to meet and they agreed without hesitation. Awfully trusting. Probably going to be a waste of money and I would be no better off at the end. Why am I even doing this?
Then the fear. I'll turn up, I'll sit down. They'll ask some really probing questions. I'll feel really uncomfortable. Then they'll tell me it's all 'daddy issues'. (Which it is, but that's anoher story entirely...).
I was sweating and nervous. I sat in the waiting room, fidgeting, trying not to succumb to the urge to just leave. And then a complete stranger invited me into a room and asked how I was feeling. Three years later my therapist, my friend (I don't even know if I can say that, but it's what I feel now), still invites me into that same reoom every Friday morning and still asks how I am feeling. It has beome the hour I look forward to most every week.
During one of my first sessions, my therapist said something that will always stick with me. I've passed it on to everyone I've ever spoken to about therapy and to everyone who is even remotely curious. Many people see requiring a therapist is a weakness; that they're not 'man enough' to tough it out. Maybe even that they're a complete and disastrous failure. It's certainly what I thought walking into that room for the first time.
But my therapist pointed out that I had walked into a room and asked a stranger for help. That shows that you have accepted weakness in yourself, embraced your vulnerability and shared it with someone else.
That is bravery, that is confidence, and that is strength. And that is why I will advocate forever that everyone should speak to someone.
Andy Stalker is a chartered accountant and finance director for a tech start-up. His first book, 'Life is a Four-letter Word: a mental health survival guide for professionals (Practical Inspiration Publishing) is out on 14 May. www.andysalkeld.com. Article published in Therapy Today; April 2020; Vo. 31; Issue 3.
Sometimes I wouldn't even remember what we'd said, but I started to take notice of how I felt - to name and own my feelings, rather than denying them'
I was taking my turn at answering the phone for my local lesbian network. The call I most remember was from a local psychotherapist, ringing on behalf of a woman who had been referred to her. This woman had kept her sexual orientation hidden for many years and now wanted to break her silence, but was deeply troubled about doing so. 'I've spoken to her,' said the caller, 'and I don't think she needs therapy at all. What she needs is the company of like-minded women. Can you help?
I was impressed by a therapist who might so wisely and generously turn away a potential client, and the call stayed in my mind.
That was the summer my life fell to pieces. My long-term relationship ended suddenly. I hadn't seen it coming and was devastated. Shock, humiliation and grief morphed into a long period of reactive depression. I was 60; I'd already survived bereavements, career reversals and life-threatening illnesses. I thought of myself as emotionally robust, a person who helped others rather than needing help myself. But this was unlike anything I'd experienced before. The remote hamlet we'd chosen as our retirement haven wasn't a helpful place to be living alone for the first time in my life. Days went past without human contact. After six months, I realised that I was not going to get better on my own.
I started by looking for LGBTQ counsellors, convinced that I couldn't share my feelings with anyone outside that community, but they were all too far away. Then I remembered the therapist who had called the helpline and, after days of hesitation, rang her. She invited me to a 'no commitment' first meeting and, one wild February evening, I set out on the hour-long drive through dark country lanes to her house. I got lost, wept, asked the way from a man on a tractor, and eventually found myself in a bright, calm room with the stranger who was going to save my life.
At the beginning of our relationship, I was incoherent and she was just immensely kind. I had no idea what was happening in our weekly sessions except that someone was holding me safely in what had become an unsafe world. As I began to understand the process, I could usually come to a session with something to work on. We didn't always stick to it, but it gave me the sense that I had some agency in my own recovery. I also began to understand that I wouldn't know immediately what we had done or achieved; sometimes I wouldn't even remember what we'd said, but I started to take notice of how I felt - to name and own my feelings, rather than denying them.
My therapist wasn't gay but, of course, that didn't matter at all in the end. She was a woman and she was roughly my age - I hadn't expected that to turn out to be really important. Women in my generation were brought up to consider everyone else but themselves; to put their own needs last. She understood that from the inside. Slowly she encouraged me to consider my own needs and to care to my broken self as I would care for others.
As I began to rebuild my life, I learned to look forward to those long drives - the landscape of the journey became part of my healing - and to the sometimes-challenging conversations that kept me on track. It was two years before she said, 'I think we have done what you came here for.' We decided that we would continue to meet, but less often; a kind of maintenance service rather than an emergency treatment. And that went on until I moved to the other end of the country. Otherwise, I think, I would probably still be seeing her.
That first experience of therapy was entirely positive - so much so that, years later, it encouraged me to look for talking therapy again, to tackle a specific problem. I feel immensely fortunate to have found such a wise and kind mentor.
Extract from article first published in Therapy Today: March 2020; Volume 31, Issue 2. The author, Jane Traies, is a writer, researcher and storyteller who for the past decade has been recording the experiences of the oldest generations of lesbians in the UK. Some of these stories feature in her book 'Now You See Me' (Tollington Press, 2018).
'Counselling didn't cure me of my personal demons, but it did give me the tools to work through the obstacles in my way'
Asking for and relying on anybody's help has never come easy to me. Incongruence has a price. I had kept a debilitating secret for more than 30 years. I was consumed with a fear of what could happen during counselling and embarrassed by the fact that I needed the help in the first place. I was afraid that counselling would not work. I was afraid of the pain I felt and of releasing it, but I also had huge trust issues. I have always carried the shame of what happened to me but longed to be fixed and really thought it was possible.
The relationship with my counsellor was key. Counselling helped by enabling me to unlock the silence at my own pace. I was heard and believed. I was able to be myself without fear of judgment. I didn't have to pretend. In that space, I was nobody's mum, wife or friend. I could be me. I was able to share things I thought would be unbearable for another person to hear. My counsellor never once made me feel uncomfortable.
During counselling, I realised I had developed several coping mechanisms over the past 30 years. I had separated out the various roles I played, and I put on different heads to switch between each role and to keep each contained. I could be physically in the room but emotionally completely disconnectedd and distant. These strategies helped me to survive, but changing heads was tiring and less effective than I thought. Being disconnected meant I could keep all the roles separate, but counselling helped me see that what I really needed was to be one connected, joined-up person, with a choice.
Counselling helped me to become that functioning person. There will always be triggers and things that knock me off balance, but my reaction is different now. For me, there is no such thing as 'recovered' and 'healing'. Counselling didn't cure me of my personal demons, but it did give me the tools to work through the obstacles in my way. More of me has become available to my family. I no longer use what happened to me as a frame of reference in my life. There have been enormous changes in how I cope wth daily life - real, lasting benefits that I've been able to continue after counselling. I have learnt that coping strategies I evolved during childhood are no longer necessary now I'm an adult. I am now able to look after myself and practise good self-care. I have been able to turn overwhelmingly negative thoughts and feelings completely around. I have learnt to take time out for myself, to relax, be part of the present and not to feel guilty about that.
Through the counselling service I attended, I also had the opportunity to be involved in the research and interviewing process for a diploma in counselling for trauma they were developing for counsellors on working with adult survivors of sexual violence. It was a really useful and fulfilling experience. It gave me a sense of empowerment, positivity and belonging and boosted my self-regard. My past has defined me for many years, but now I feel like I'm worth something: I feel valued for who I am.
Counselling has shown me who I really am. I am proud of me - I often catch myself smiling. I will always be grateful for all the that counselling service gave me. It was a hand to hold at one of the darkest times of my life. I have been able to calm the inner turmoil and find strength to keep moving forward. I am able to stand on my own two feet and feel alive again. I am now living.
The author wishes to remain anonymous. She was a client of New Pathways in Wales. www.newpathways.org.uk.
First published in Therapy Today, February 2020:Volume 31: Issue 1.
'Working at the hospice helped me to come to terms with my partner's diagnosis more quickly that I would have done without it'
I still remember the day it happened as clearly as if it were yesterday. My partner called me at work to tell me that he'd just been diagnosed with chronic myeloid leukaemia.
I knew that he'd been for blood tests - he'd bee feeling exhausted and having migraines for several months, but I never dreamed that, at 37, he'd be diagnosed with cancer. He was too young. We were too early in our relationship for this to happen. I battled with a lot of feelings in those early stages, including shock, sadness and huge waves of anger about how unfair it seemed.
At the time of the diagnosis, I had just been for an interview for a counselling position at the hospice. Even though my partner's treatment wasn't going to be palliative, I knew that I would be working with people in the hospice who were at palliative stages with their illnesses, and I wondered if I would be able to separate my 'stuff' from that of my clients. I felt in a real dilemma when I was offered the job. Would I really be able to support palliative clients when my partner and I were going through so much in our personal lives?
I felt passionately that I wanted to work at the hospice. I'd done my counsellor training placement at a different hospice, working with bereaved clients, and I'd continued to volunteer there for a few years.
I spoke to my supervisor about my dilemma and whether I would be able to meet the needs of my clients, given my personal situation. I also told my would-be manager about my partner's recent diagnosis. They were not concerned from their own point of view: there would be a two-month induction phase to the new job where I wouldn't be required to see clients anyway. Personally, after the initial shock we understood his condition was very treatable and I felt myself beginning to stabilise emotionally. This window of time before seeing clients and my discussions with my supervisor helped me decide that I would start the job and see how I got on within the hospice environment.
Looking back now, I'm sure some could argue that I wasn't working to BACP's guidelines on self-care by immersing myself in ill health all the time. But I feel that working at the hospice helped me to come to terms with my partner's diagnosis more quickly than I would have done without it.
Growing up, I didn't have any experience of ill health or death in my immediate family and was quite protected from it. Throughout my teenage years and early 20s, I saw ill health as something that happened to older people. I certainly felt invincible in my youth, and I expected my partner to be as well.
Working at the hospice helped me realise the proximity of death with which we all live. My thoughts about my partner being 'too young to have cancer' were soon challenged when I went with a colleague to visit a nearby children's hospice. These beliefs were again challenged when I found myself working with clients who were dying in their 20s.
I have been on an amazing personal journey in the past year while working at the hospice. I have learned the true meaning of the phrase 'Time is precious'. Ilness may fall upon any of us at any point; there's no such thing as fair or not fair where health is concerned. I still feel angry about my partner's diagnosis, but he is living with cancer and we intend to make the most of whatever life throws at us next.
article by Emily Fozard who works as a counsellor in a hospice, seeing palliative care patients and their relatives. She is also a lecturer in counselling at the University of Chester. She is currently studying for for Doctorate of Professional Studies in Counselling and and Pyschotherapy at the University of Chester, where she has an interest in parental conflict. First published in Therapy Today. December 2019; Volume 30; Issue 10.
'Divorce is like scaling a series of mountains. With the right counsellor, the mountains can become molehills'
I had been with my partner for about 15 years. We have no children. Over time, for numerous reasons, our relationship became more toxic. I realised that divorce was the appropriate option for me; the relationship was no longer working.
Initially I was OK with the process. My work took me away from home, so we didn't have to be in the same town even. However, not long into the proceedings, my contract ended and I had to return to our shared house. At this point, my own stresses and anxieties began to increase. I felt guilty about initiating the divorce and increasingly anxious about what the future held. Being a man, I told myself I could cope. Counselling was what weak people needed, not what Alpha males did.
Yet I knew there were problems. My sleep was all over the place - I would lie awake, churning over possibilities in my head and not really resolving anything. I was increasingly rowing with my family and overreacting to ordinary life events. Minor setbacks would send me into the doldrums; minor victories made me overly celebratory. I could see that I was swinging back and forth across the emotional spectrum and had lost sight of 'me' in the midst of the maelstrom.
My first counsellor was a bit of a disaster. She came froma CBT perspective and I found her approach too prescriptive, too harsh. I felt she took me in directions that were not helpful; that she was trying to trammel my thinking into a very narrow channel, mostly dictated by her own interests rather than what I needed to unpack.
My second counsellor took a person-centred approach. She initially offered video-counselling via FaceTime, and I knew from our first contact that she would be right. She listened, explored and allowed me to work through some of the pain involved in ending my marriage. What I needed was active, reflective support, not to be beaten into submission. This second counsellor gave me exactly that and enabled me to work through the trauma at my own pace.
Before my counselling, I was facing the wrong way in the starting blocks; in fact, I wasn't even sure what direction the race was meant to go in, so I kept running into walls and getting angry that I wasn't making any progress. We are now eight months on. I've progressed from baby steps to huge strides and am now sprinting through the last stages of the divorce process, with the finish line in sight. I wouldn't say I am ready to compete in the Olympics, but things are much better. I am more rational, less stressed, calmer and better able to deal with life's turbulence than I have been in both recent past and the medium term.
In truth, an unhealthy relationship took its toll on me and 'fixing' stuff will take a while longer. I still see the counsellor, but now, rather than firefighting, she is helping me construct a better future from the rubble that is left.
Men tend to bottle things up; we tend to fall back on our own stereotypical expectations of ourselves. It doesn't have to be this way. Divorce is like scaling a series of mountains. With the right counsellor, the mountains can become molehills.
Extract from article published in Therapy Today: November 2019; Volume 30; Issue 9. The author wishes to remain anonymous